To my family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and random strangers who have met me on a bad day;
From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry.
I’ve been more sensitive and irritable and less patient than normal and for that I’m truly sorry.
I’ve been blunt, aggro and frustrated at times and for that I’m truly sorry.
I’ve overreacted and been overwhelmed by the smallest things and for that I’m truly sorry.
I’ve said things in the heat of the moment that I know have caused pain and for that I’m truly sorry.
I’ve only replied with one worded responses when you’ve checked in on me because I was in a bad place, and for that I’m truly sorry.
I’ve pushed people away when they are trying to help me and for that I’m truly sorry.
I’ve been needy and unforgiving and for that I’m truly sorry.
I’m not going to try and make excuses for any of it. I know I haven’t been the most pleasant person to be around some of the time, ok let’s face it, most of the time; during this journey.
I know it’s been difficult. I understand why some people in my life are walking away. I get it. I’ve spent the last 6 months in a seriously bad funk. I’ve had times where I’m happy and relaxed but it’s been pretty rare. It’s been the biggest roller coaster of my life.
It’s probably pretty tiring and exhausting when you ask me how I’m going and 90% if the time I say I’m struggling with this, that and the other. I get it.
I’m hoping I can help you understand by explaining the behind the scenes work I’ve been doing. I’ve touched on it but never got down to the nitty gritty.
Again, these are not excuses. These are my reasons.
I’m calling it my journey because I honestly don’t know what else to call it. I feel like after hitting rock bottom last year, that I began walking down a path to self-discovery. To find my true self. To figure out who I really am. I didn’t realise it would be the bumpiest path I’ve ever walked, filled with massive pot holes, sharp edges, mountains to climb and also cliffs that I would have to take a leap of faith and jump off.
But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I wouldn’t turn back if I could.
To start with it was really confronting to not know who I was and to not even know what I wanted in life. I’ve spent 35 years being a people pleaser. Always having the opinion that people can only ever truly love me if I attend to their needs first and go out of my way to ensure their happiness, even at the detriment of my own. So when I actually got asked what I like, I couldn’t even answer. Pretty embarrassing right? It’s so easy for people to stand back and say “oh you’re single now so can do whatever you want so just enjoy it.” But when you’re not used to considering your own needs at all, it’s actually really difficult. Every time I would do a tiny thing for myself, I was wrecked with guilt and feelings of selfishness. It feels so awkward and it was incredibly hard to get used to.
Even just by changing this bad habit, it created a massive ‘shift’ in me. Again that’s the only word I can think of to explain what happens. It’s kind of like pieces of this massive wall I’ve had up, crumbles down, and I’m able to change really bad habits that I’ve created. It’s a fantastic feeling when I finally push through the other side of it, but leading up to it and while it’s actually happening is such a horrible feeling. I go up and down really quickly. Feeling amazing and strong one minute and confused and awkward the next. The only way to describe it is that I get a ‘scratchy’ feeling in my stomach and I feel really nervous.
I’ve also spent a few months literally feeling like I didn’t have one person in the world that had my back and that I could rely on. Looking back now I realise that I have so many people that do care, and were showing that to me but I was so full of self-hatred that I couldn’t understand why anyone would bother staying in my life. I couldn’t accept any help so I pushed everyone away. So in doing this I created an even worse situation for myself because in the worst moments of my life, I felt utterly alone. It was such a horrible feeling.
I’ve finally started to accept that I am worthy of having these people in my life and have started opening up and accepting help. Again it’s a process that I find difficult but I’m slowly working through it.
The real changes started to appear once I started Schema Therapy. I went to try and find a way to cope with losing my partner and also deal with the grief of the miscarriages. But what actually occurred was us opening up an enormous can of shit that I didn’t realise was bubbling along under the surface.
With my Psychologist we started going back to the root of my “complications” and healing them from the beginning. It’s exhausting, confronting, scary and downright fucking hard work!
The few days before an appointment I feel on edge because I know what’s coming. And the days after I feel utterly shattered and exposed. Overly sensitive and short fused. It’s such a huge rollercoaster and I can never predict how I’m going to feel and what’s going to come up in therapy that I have to deal with and face. Each week something new pops up and I sit there thinking that I just want a week off, but I also know how rewarding it is after I face each one.
What popped up for me this week, was that I’m finally starting to see all the changes I’ve made and I’m actually finding it difficult to figure out where I fit in. Deep down I feel like I’m a completely new person. And I have been trying to get used to it and have been hiding from the world. Now that I’m starting to actually socialise more again, it’s really highlighted to me how different I am and it’s really quite uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, I love the changes, but it just feels weird because I’m not used to it yet. It’s difficult because I actually don’t know where I fit into my own life anymore. I feel like an outsider.
It was actually a really scattered session and I was struggling to form sentences to explain to my Therapist what was coming up for me. She was excited and said she’s seen this in me before just before I had a big breakthrough. I was failing to feel anything other than confused and lost. It’s hard to not get down knowing that this scratchy feeling might last awhile as the ‘shift’ happens, because it really does feel so shitty. But the thing that keeps me focused and holding on, is that I feel stronger this time around and I also know how great it feels afterwards.
The unfortunate thing for those in my life right now, is that all those things that I apologised for at the start of this, will probably happen again. I’m obviously hoping that now that I’m more aware of what is happening, that I will be able to handle it better this time.
I’m hoping that this new me can get through it without being so irritable and sensitive and without pushing anyone away.
I’m also hoping that everyone I care about can understand a little more why I’ve been the way I’ve been over the last 6 months and continue to be patient with me a little longer. I obviously find it really difficult to talk about things, even with people I’m incredibly close to. That’s why I started to write. It helps so much and I’m able to release so much of my thoughts and feelings that normally weigh me down.
I don’t know if anyone even sees anything different in me. But I feel like an entirely different person. I feel like I even see the world differently. It’s a really scary, but amazing experience. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance at life and I just wanna grab it with both hands and run with it. Thank you so much to everyone in my life that has stood by me during this journey. I know that no one can understand what I’m going through, but the fact that I still have your support means the world to me.
And I hope that I don’t lose anyone else along the way.