Self pity rant

I’ve worked tirelessly to not feel self pity through this journey and to also find ways to express myself other than anger. I had a really bad habit of bottling things up so strongly that when the bottle finally cracked everything came out forcefully and I would react with anger.

But right now I’m fucking angry. And I’m full of self pity. And I can’t keep quiet any longer.

When did it become an acceptable practice to blatantly ignore people you’re meant to care about? When did it become ok to use people and then treat them like trash when you no longer see a need for them? When did people decide that when someone goes the extra mile for them to help out, it’s no longer necessary to even say a basic thank you?

It’s fucking rude and disrespectful and I’m done with it all.

Even during my darkest moments not once have I ever ignored anyone in my life. Wether it’s a random question they ask me or if they are reaching out for help or advice. I don’t ever go without replying. And sometimes all I can manage is a “I’m sorry I’m having a terrible day can we chat tomorrow?” But at least I reply. I make the effort to not make them feel unwanted and uncared for.

Yet somehow there is numerous people in my life that vow they care for me and are there for me no matter what, yet choose to ignore me. To blatantly not reply to text messages or calls.

And I’m not talking about being ignored because you’ve had an argument with someone and they just need space. These are “friends” and also someone who said she wanted to be in a relationship with me.

Out of the blue with no prior arguments. Ghosted. Completely ignored. No explanation. No apologies. Just completely pushed out of their lives. Or at the absolute most, one worded responses or messages that leave no doubt they are being blunt and to the point and show that they have no time for me and I’m inconveniencing them by just saying “hey how are you going?”

These are people that know what I’ve been through. That I’ve opened up to and been vulnerable with in telling them my biggest fear is being abandoned. And for whatever reason, they choose to do the same and hurt me all over again. Choose to put me in another position where I question everything I did and blame myself.

It used to be basic manners and basic human decency to treat people as they treat you. Now it seems the norm that if you go out of your way for someone and choose to be kind and helpful, the person you did that for then seems to feel they have the right to walk all over you. To look down on you and treat you as sub par to them.

I was just going to write that maybe I expect too much of people. But screw that. I’m not asking for anything other than basic manners. Basic respect. Basic communication. And I’m only expecting to be treated how I treat them. That’s not asking too much. And it shouldn’t even be an issue. I shouldn’t have to ask. These are people that have said they care about me. That I thought played an important part in my life.

People that know me, know that I’m loyal beyond reproach. If I care about someone I’d literally walk through fire for them. Yeah a bit extreme but that’s just me. But on a basic level when someone reaches out to me for help or advice, if possible I drop everything and do what I can to help. And if I can’t help I’ll be upfront and tell them I can’t help right now but am available at a different time. And then I always make the effort to check in with them and see how they are going. If someone I care about is going through a difficult time I’ll jump up to help in any way I can without being asked. Going over and above to make their lives even just a little easier in their time of need.

Is it too much to expect even just basic support in return? I’m not asking them to drop everything for me. Just to reply to a bloody text message when I reach out. Surely that’s not so fucking difficult to do for someone when they have been there tirelessly for you?

I’m absolutely done with it. I’ve tried to not let this whole process harden me or make me bitter. I’ve tried to be patient and understanding. But enough is enough. I’m sick of making such a huge effort to only be ignored and treated like crap. I’m sick of getting kicked while I’m down over and over. I’ve tried to work through it and keep it bottled but no more.

When someone can’t even say a simple thank you when you go out of your way to do something for them. Or can’t even make the effort to respond to a text. Then I’m done.

I’m no longer going to be the one making all the effort. I’m no longer going to chase people that make no effort for me. If those that haven’t made the effort or have ignored me, decide they want me in their lives; they can chase me. They can make the effort. They can step up and prove it. I’m done!!!

Self pity rant finished!

Onwards and upwards. Out with the people that don’t make the effort for me.

(This vow of not making an effort only applies to those that haven’t been doing the same for me. Or have ignored me. Or treated me like an object to use as they please. I’m obviously still going to be me and make the effort for those in my life that do the same and that have been here for me. I’m just realising I need to be even more careful when choosing who to trust and who to go out of my way for. And for those that have been there for me, I thank you again and I appreciate so much the effort you make xoxo).

21 thoughts on “Self pity rant

  1. I don’t usually do this, and you can ignore this, but I hate to see people hurting when I know that there’s someone who understands exactly what you’re going through.

    It’s not too much to ask to recieve basic support, but in a way you do expect too much from people, simply because we all fall so short of perfection. Here’s where you may find what I’m saying frustrating. (I don’t know..I don’t know where you stand on God), but knowing Him does help. And knowing people who know Him helps too. I don’t have close relationships with my family. I’ve tried, but I get ignored by them. (Not because I talk God…I don’t around them because I know it isn’t welcome.) However, my church family is different. Not perfect, but I know that they won’t ignore me. Nor will God. Sorry if I went somewhere you’re not comfortable going, I just thought I’d take a chance because I care.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for your message but I need human support. I need people to be there for me.
      And I get what you’re saying but by no means do I expect perfection from anyone. If they have a lot going on or cannot help in that moment, then a simple message explaining that is not difficult. I am the most forgiving person, but it’s to a point where I can’t keep forgiving the same hurtful actions over and over.
      Maybe I’m too black and white on this issue. But I believe if you care for someone, you show them. You don’t choose to ignore them.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree. We all need human support. It’s rough when we don’t get it, and people should be more courteous. I guess I was just trying say that church is a great place to meet supportive people. At least this has been my experience. Just putting it out there. I don’t mean to offend in anyway. I feel for ya…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry that you are hurting. I was you about 20 years ago, bending over backwards, treating people how I would like to be treated even when they didn’t deserve it. I was loyal and forgiving to the extreme until I realized that I needed a different perspective and haven’t looked back. I can tell you, when i changed my attitude and took control, I shook the tree HARD.. feel free to DM on IG if you want to vent again.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. This is something even I am going through. People sometimes take you for granted. You are forgiving but they this too has have some limit. You can’t ignore the same irritating behaviour again n again.
      Could you please tell me what changes you brought in your attitude and how you took over the control.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Sorry to hear you’re going through this as well.
        I haven’t overcome it yet. But this blog was me hitting breaking point where I’ve had enough. My plan moving forward is to remove these people from my life. And to figure out a way to set boundaries in the future to stop this happening again.
        I hope you find a way to get through.

        Like

      2. Without getting too personal on WP (but you can direct message me on IG if you like), I started in increments with what made me feel “used” and stopped my behaviour that was leading to it. For example, I called and checked in on a friend to see how they were doing and then simply waited to see how long it would take for them to check in on me “without wanting something” from me. Big, big, BIG eye-opener. Then, I quietly phased them out of my life. Very freeing when you see their truth…

        Liked by 2 people

  3. The people who we least need or want to hurt us seen to always be the ones (or the first /most) to do so. It is really hurtful, and you’ve a beautiful heart to remain so forgiving and compassionate. That’s brave! It seems these individuals who are letting you down are also hurting… And it’s not fair that they disappear despite spoken promises. I’m sorry you’ve faced this. You seem like such a strong willed warrior. Invisible scars and inevitable hurt hasn’t stopped you from flourishing. You’re an amazing human being, defined by who you say you are.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. There are those of us like you have more time to give others than we receive back. You just have to walk away and let go of them. It is not that we expect others to give in equal amounts as we do, as many will not be able to meet the bar. It is the actions we receive which count. Many people, good people are hurting so much and it takes all their time to stand in the storms and they do not have the strength you have, as you are capable of being there for yourself and others. Therefore, you are the stronger one. You need to assess the ones who are worthy to wait for whilst they sort out their life. Take care and Bless you.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I am going through one of the most difficult times in my life and am surprised how many people I have known for years continue to be a no-show in my life; people who know my struggle. My therapist is working with me on proper boundaries, self care and only letting people into my life who don’t drain me — people who lift me up. It’s hard to keep people who drain me at a distance because I truly do care for them, but I just don’t have the emotional capacity right now to handle the disappointment. I sense you have a similar frustration, that you are truly a caring person. I encourage you to focus on taking care of yourself. You’re in my prayers.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes that’s exactly how I feel and I’m working through the same process with my therapist.
      I just feel so guilty for cutting back on making an effort, even though these people don’t do it for me and clearly don’t give a shit.
      I wish I didn’t care so much

      Liked by 2 people

  6. There is an additional by-product of leaving people to their own devices. All the “helping” you do contributes to the lack of growth in others. When you are always ready and willing to be of service, you aren’t allowing others to learn valuable life lessons of their own (about how to treat/not treat others)…They don’t miss the water until the water runs dry and when they finally do, its not up to you to quench their thirst.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Oh God! This is so so me. A big virtual hug frm my side😊❤hope uh feel better. But I think mam expecting people to treat you the same way as you treat them is not possible in every case. Because you are what you are- highly vulnerable,so helping, sensitive about people’s emotions. You are among those who believes in spreading your sunshine, I mean you not only focus on your life, you help people raising themselves and all these qualities are rare. You are rare. How can you expect those brilliant manners frm others. A millions of them are common, if some1 appreciates it’s good, if some1 don’t, let them don’t. It reflects them not you. ..Concentrate on people who supports you😊

    Liked by 1 person

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