The sadness behind her smile

jesscrang

To be blunt and to the point, I’m having a shitty night.

I’ve been thinking about all the changes I’ve made over the last year. The endless effort and courage that has gone into making these changes.

The tears and the heartache it took to recognise and accept where I’ve been lacking in my life. Confronting myself with the things I’ve done wrong and the people I’ve hurt and taking ownership of my mistakes.

Walking into therapy each week and smashing through more walls and looking deep inside at the darkest parts of me. The countless hours spent reevaluating my life and where I stand. Facing my biggest fears and having the courage to take another step forward.

I’ve done all this and so much more. And I’m so proud of what I have achieved. I’m so proud of the person that I see in the mirror now. I’m the person I always knew I could be. The person I always dreamed of being.

But as I sit here tonight, all I can think is “What was the point of doing all of this?”

I’m still alone. I’m moving to Brisbane by myself. I picked up my keys to my new apartment today and the smile it gave me faded so quickly as I walked out and realised I had no one to share this joy with. I had no one to text. No one to call. No partner that was eagerly awaiting to hear from me.

And I can sit here and think rationally and know that all the work I’ve done is so worth it. And I can state that I am proud. And I know I’ll probably wake up tomorrow and be good again and be excited about the move and excited about the progress I’ve made. And I do know what the point of it all was.

But there’s that little voice nagging at me that just keeps repeating “What was the point of all of this when you still end up alone?” And it just won’t shut up tonight.

It’s making me so sad and frustrated and hurt. It’s making me question everything. It’s making me wish so badly to have my old life back. My life wasn’t meant to be like this. I don’t want my life to be like this.

I’m sad that today should have been exciting. But I’ve been wearing a fake smile all day. Pretending everything is ok. Putting on a brave face to hide the tears in my heart. Wearing that mask to hide the sadness that’s in my eyes.

Hiding from the sadness that’s behind my smile….

35 thoughts on “The sadness behind her smile”

  1. I feel for you Jess. I don’t know what your journey has been, but it sounds like it has been one hell of a joyrney! I really hope that in your new place you can make new friends. I hope you don’t have to be so alone. I know that feeling so well and it’s horrible. Sending you love.

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      1. You are so welcome Jess. I know it is the worst feeling in the world. Stay in toych if you want to. I would love to know if it gets any better. It is really hard to make new friends etc in a new place. Certainly the kind that you can phone or text. I really do feel for you. It’s kind of scary too. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Much live from me.

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  2. Being true to yourself is a better option than being everything but with someone else (especially if it’s toxic). Your getting yourself back on track and should be damn proud of yourself. You’ll see, everything happens as its suppose to. Maybe you’re too delicate a flower to be with someone just yet? I’m so proud of you.

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    1. Very true. And I know I’m not ready to be with anyone yet. I’m wishing for my old life back. Everything that’s happening now in my life was not in my plan and it’s hard to deal with.

      Thank you for you message 😊

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  3. First of all, congratulations on what you’ve already achieved. Rejoice in that, be happy with what you have and you’ll find it easier to find someone to share it with.

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  4. Jess, it takes courage and strength to review your life and the issues within it very few people are capable of doing this. It is a big cleansing and release be proud of yourself. You have been guided by your soul to move to Brisbane this is an opportunity to find new beginnings perhaps where you live now is just a stepping stone to more happiness. Take care as you observe your new environment not to get caught up with toxic people again. Stand strong as you are a stronger version of yourself.

    I am standing at a similar point in my life, I have thoroughly analysed myself and should be really happy about moving onto new places. Like you something nags my head “what was the point”.

    Know you are worth it and the change is taking place, happiness is just there about to enter your environment. Make your homebase comfortable and secure for you. The Ego/mind is negative which harps on as such. Strengthen the communication with your Soul to over-ride the negative words which fill your head so easily. Take care and sending you blessing, miracles and success.

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    1. Thank you so much.

      Everything you said is true and I do know all of this, just couldn’t seem to shake that nagging voice yesterday. Seeing my therapist today which is good timing so hopefully she can put me back on track.

      Thanks again for your message. Take care 😊

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  5. Hugs! I understand that feeling. I mostly like being a bit of a loner, but sometimes I feel so lonely in a moment like that. I hope today is better for you. 🙂 You’re doing great in your process. Keep going!

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  6. Hey, Jess. Hang in there. You’re doing so great. Thank you for sharing your true self with the world through this blog. Your post here reminds me of the many emotions associated with moving to a new place. Even though it is exciting, it can be an emotional rollercoaster in more ways than one. I know it was for me moving to another country. Remind yourself you’re going to be okay. And keep running! Btw, I got third place in my first triathlon this past weekend. Wanted to share that with you because I was inspired by that running post of yours. Take care and praying all good things for your move. 🙂

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      1. Keep fighting and see the beautiful side of life! Let’s shine together Jess! ❤ ❤ I may not online always but i included you in my list to read your thoughts. Keep writing anything about your day. I'll be happy reading it and Cheer you up!! Wish you a wonderful day Dearest Jess!! ❤ ❤ 🌸🌸🌸
        Happy to connect with you!! ❤ 🎀 💕

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  9. Don’t listen to that voice. It lies. We all hear them, and we all have to ignore them to keep pressing on. Thanks for sharing your experience, and for following my blog.

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  11. Hi Jess –

    Thanks for following my blog. Naturally, I had to click on yours and read some of your posts. I can relate to the ones I read. I, too, had reached rock bottom, and almost never made it to where I am today. I plan on reading more of your posts. I just wanted to say, hang in there. The bad has a way of overcoming you so that you don’t see the good – or even the potential for good. Sometimes you have to go through the storm before you can enjoy the rainbow.

    Smile – It’s going to be a great day!!
    Keith

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  12. Moving to a new town decreases happiness.

    The worse you feel, the less effort you put into activities that have the potential to make you happier.

    Try to discover new things….. new friends .. think … write… love …..

    Really love the new place … really love you… and the second chance…

    Be patient … everything will be better… I am sure !!!!!

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  13. jess i have to thank you for reading my blog. it is heartening to know your strength to feel positive about life is epitome for leading a happy life . i will read you through now . your writing is compelling full of efforts to do away with negativity. God bless you always.

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  14. This really resonated with me. There are many moments at the end of my day when I sit down and look around and wonder what the hell I’m doing or where this is all going, especially when the loneliness is so in my face… But I try to believe that everything will work out as it’s meant to. Maybe we’re alone now but that doesn’t mean we always will be? Sometimes it brings me comfort. I hope that your days have gotten better now. Stay strong!

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    1. Thank you. Starting to feel stronger. And I know I’ll look back and realise this time made me a better person for my next partner, but the hard days just get so hard sometimes.

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