The sadness behind her smile

To be blunt and to the point, I’m having a shitty night.

I’ve been thinking about all the changes I’ve made over the last year. The endless effort and courage that has gone into making these changes.

The tears and the heartache it took to recognise and accept where I’ve been lacking in my life. Confronting myself with the things I’ve done wrong and the people I’ve hurt and taking ownership of my mistakes.

Walking into therapy each week and smashing through more walls and looking deep inside at the darkest parts of me. The countless hours spent reevaluating my life and where I stand. Facing my biggest fears and having the courage to take another step forward.

I’ve done all this and so much more. And I’m so proud of what I have achieved. I’m so proud of the person that I see in the mirror now. I’m the person I always knew I could be. The person I always dreamed of being.

But as I sit here tonight, all I can think is “What was the point of doing all of this?”

I’m still alone. I’m moving to Brisbane by myself. I picked up my keys to my new apartment today and the smile it gave me faded so quickly as I walked out and realised I had no one to share this joy with. I had no one to text. No one to call. No partner that was eagerly awaiting to hear from me.

And I can sit here and think rationally and know that all the work I’ve done is so worth it. And I can state that I am proud. And I know I’ll probably wake up tomorrow and be good again and be excited about the move and excited about the progress I’ve made. And I do know what the point of it all was.

But there’s that little voice nagging at me that just keeps repeating “What was the point of all of this when you still end up alone?” And it just won’t shut up tonight.

It’s making me so sad and frustrated and hurt. It’s making me question everything. It’s making me wish so badly to have my old life back. My life wasn’t meant to be like this. I don’t want my life to be like this.

I’m sad that today should have been exciting. But I’ve been wearing a fake smile all day. Pretending everything is ok. Putting on a brave face to hide the tears in my heart. Wearing that mask to hide the sadness that’s in my eyes.

Hiding from the sadness that’s behind my smile….

45 thoughts on “The sadness behind her smile

  1. I feel for you Jess. I don’t know what your journey has been, but it sounds like it has been one hell of a joyrney! I really hope that in your new place you can make new friends. I hope you don’t have to be so alone. I know that feeling so well and it’s horrible. Sending you love.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You are so welcome Jess. I know it is the worst feeling in the world. Stay in toych if you want to. I would love to know if it gets any better. It is really hard to make new friends etc in a new place. Certainly the kind that you can phone or text. I really do feel for you. It’s kind of scary too. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Much live from me.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Being true to yourself is a better option than being everything but with someone else (especially if it’s toxic). Your getting yourself back on track and should be damn proud of yourself. You’ll see, everything happens as its suppose to. Maybe you’re too delicate a flower to be with someone just yet? I’m so proud of you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Very true. And I know I’m not ready to be with anyone yet. I’m wishing for my old life back. Everything that’s happening now in my life was not in my plan and it’s hard to deal with.

      Thank you for you message 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  3. First of all, congratulations on what you’ve already achieved. Rejoice in that, be happy with what you have and you’ll find it easier to find someone to share it with.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jess, it takes courage and strength to review your life and the issues within it very few people are capable of doing this. It is a big cleansing and release be proud of yourself. You have been guided by your soul to move to Brisbane this is an opportunity to find new beginnings perhaps where you live now is just a stepping stone to more happiness. Take care as you observe your new environment not to get caught up with toxic people again. Stand strong as you are a stronger version of yourself.

    I am standing at a similar point in my life, I have thoroughly analysed myself and should be really happy about moving onto new places. Like you something nags my head “what was the point”.

    Know you are worth it and the change is taking place, happiness is just there about to enter your environment. Make your homebase comfortable and secure for you. The Ego/mind is negative which harps on as such. Strengthen the communication with your Soul to over-ride the negative words which fill your head so easily. Take care and sending you blessing, miracles and success.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much.

      Everything you said is true and I do know all of this, just couldn’t seem to shake that nagging voice yesterday. Seeing my therapist today which is good timing so hopefully she can put me back on track.

      Thanks again for your message. Take care 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hugs! I understand that feeling. I mostly like being a bit of a loner, but sometimes I feel so lonely in a moment like that. I hope today is better for you. 🙂 You’re doing great in your process. Keep going!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hey, Jess. Hang in there. You’re doing so great. Thank you for sharing your true self with the world through this blog. Your post here reminds me of the many emotions associated with moving to a new place. Even though it is exciting, it can be an emotional rollercoaster in more ways than one. I know it was for me moving to another country. Remind yourself you’re going to be okay. And keep running! Btw, I got third place in my first triathlon this past weekend. Wanted to share that with you because I was inspired by that running post of yours. Take care and praying all good things for your move. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Keep fighting and see the beautiful side of life! Let’s shine together Jess! ❤ ❤ I may not online always but i included you in my list to read your thoughts. Keep writing anything about your day. I'll be happy reading it and Cheer you up!! Wish you a wonderful day Dearest Jess!! ❤ ❤ 🌸🌸🌸
        Happy to connect with you!! ❤ 🎀 💕

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Don’t listen to that voice. It lies. We all hear them, and we all have to ignore them to keep pressing on. Thanks for sharing your experience, and for following my blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hi Jess –

    Thanks for following my blog. Naturally, I had to click on yours and read some of your posts. I can relate to the ones I read. I, too, had reached rock bottom, and almost never made it to where I am today. I plan on reading more of your posts. I just wanted to say, hang in there. The bad has a way of overcoming you so that you don’t see the good – or even the potential for good. Sometimes you have to go through the storm before you can enjoy the rainbow.

    Smile – It’s going to be a great day!!
    Keith

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Moving to a new town decreases happiness.

    The worse you feel, the less effort you put into activities that have the potential to make you happier.

    Try to discover new things….. new friends .. think … write… love …..

    Really love the new place … really love you… and the second chance…

    Be patient … everything will be better… I am sure !!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. jess i have to thank you for reading my blog. it is heartening to know your strength to feel positive about life is epitome for leading a happy life . i will read you through now . your writing is compelling full of efforts to do away with negativity. God bless you always.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This really resonated with me. There are many moments at the end of my day when I sit down and look around and wonder what the hell I’m doing or where this is all going, especially when the loneliness is so in my face… But I try to believe that everything will work out as it’s meant to. Maybe we’re alone now but that doesn’t mean we always will be? Sometimes it brings me comfort. I hope that your days have gotten better now. Stay strong!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. Starting to feel stronger. And I know I’ll look back and realise this time made me a better person for my next partner, but the hard days just get so hard sometimes.

      Like

  12. I feel you Jess, and I can understand where you are coming from. However, you need to find solace in the fact that you are doing the right thing. yes, sometimes we wonder what the point is, due to something else that we do not have. However, it always pays to do the right thing. Also, do you by any chance believe in God? At times like this, God is of utmost importance. God has the power to lead you to a really good partner. God has the power to do a lot of things. As a matter of fact, God has dominion over everything. I will strongly suggest that you pray to God concerning this issue. I am sure that our heavenly Father would be happy to hear from you.

    The Bible says in Philippians 4:6
    “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.”

    God says in Isaiah 41:10
    “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

    If you do not yet have a relationship with the Lord, I would strongly suggest that you begin one. There are a lot of blessings and mercy that flow from being in fellowship with the Lord. If you already have a relationship with the Lord, that is great! keep working to deepen your relationship with him.

    If you want to know about God in more detail, you can find further information here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/10/23/a-few-things-that-i-have-learned-about-god/ And Here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/

    May God’s blessings be with you, Amen. ❤ ❤

    Like

  13. It sounds like you are definitely still on your journey through you … so keep working at it. What you have done so far puts you ahead of so many people who are in constant denial .. so give yourself a congrats hug. As for not having somebody special in your life right now? Celebrate the freedom that offers. For all the happy couples out there, there are so many that would like your freedom.

    So what’s it all about? Accept that life is (and probably always will be) a bit of a roller coaster ride, but there will always be a positive spin if you search for it. Doing that search often enough and it will become a habit … and then you’ll piss off people because you will be happy while they are drowning in their own issues.

    Remember that nobody (when they leave this life) will be remembered for what they had. Check the obits! You will not see any comment about the “dear departed” owning a Porsche, or living in a mansion etc. What you will see is “was always willing to help/was a good mother/always had a smile for everybody/freely gave of her time/loved her music etc etc. What’s the point of that? The point is that you may want to decide how you would like to be remembered and take a life direction that will make it possible. Decide what would make you really happy and go for it. If a relationship happens … great! If it doesn’t, you can still look back at what you have done and be happy and proud of yourself.

    People pleasing is so self destructive because you simply cannot please everybody … so don’t waste your time trying. What you can do is do what makes you happy because, after all, you are the most important person in your life. Celebrate yourself. You are special. Believe it.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Jess, sometimes we cry out in frustration, not because we need help just then but because our life has just had another hiccup. It sounds like you’ve had a really rough time but you’ve worked wonders and got over the worst. Maybe you don’t have new friends yet but that will happen with time but it seems you’re not short of friends on here that you could perhaps talk to on skype or just email with news and have an email conversation.
    I hope your therapist is able to give you a boost so you’re moving in the right direction again.
    Humongous Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Not sure that ‘Like’ is an appropriate response to something so painful, but it’s all there is.
    I feel for you, of course, but I have a question.
    Why do you have such a problem with being alone?
    I have no answers, and would never presume to offer advice, but it seems to me an obvious question.
    Being alone is often preferable to the alternatives.
    Good luck in sunny Brisbane.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t have a problem with it now but struggled before. Probably because I just wasn’t used to it. Going from a house with my partner and daughter to living alone, the silence was deafening

      Like

      1. Hmm, me and my big mouth, sorry!
        But glad you are making progress, I figure if you have the courage to write it down you have the strength to succeed.
        Good luck

        Liked by 1 person

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