So my life felt pretty shitty at this point. My partner of 6 years had left me. We were fighting over custody of our 2 year old daughter who I barely got to see and when I did it was so difficult as she wasn’t coping with the separation either and wanted routine. Every time she saw me she’d cry and get herself so upset.
I’d cancelled my final IVF cycle because there was no way I could cope with that on top of everything else. I still hadn’t come to terms with the 3 miscarriages I’d had in the last year. I’d just moved house so was still settling in and trying to get used to having an empty house and no company.
There was shit going on at work which had started as minor issues but management didn’t have the balls to deal with it so it had escalated to the point where I felt sick whenever I was on my way there.
A few ‘friends’ were showing their true colours and I realised they were only in my life for what I could do for them and had no interest in being there for me during my difficulties like I had been there for them. And like many others there was family dramas as well.
Safe to say I had a lot on my plate and I hit a point where I thought ok well things can’t actually get any worse. I felt comfortable in thinking that and would have moments where I was completely depressed and lonely and hating life, but also moments where I felt I had a good day and things were looking up. It was a rollercoaster for sure but I was like, yep this is my lowest so the only way from here is up.
I slowly started to make some changes in my daily routines. I was exercising every day as a stress relief which helped to no end, but I couldn’t sustain it and my body was starting to show me that it couldn’t cope much longer. I knew I had to learn to deal with the stress in other ways. I started to meditate each day which I found really grounded me and left me feeling calmer and more refreshed. I added yoga to my nightly stretching routine which after a few days I could really feel the difference in my muscles and also flexibility. I was also watching documentaries on TV rather than the mind numbing shit I normally watch to try and escape reality.
So things were finally starting to look up. I was reading a book called The Self Love Experiment – which was a bit wanky in parts as I absolutely despise the old cliché “No one can love you until you love yourself.” My thought has always been, how the fuck can I love myself, when I feel no one else does???” So I ignored the bits where the author was talking about that, and focused on the parts where she explained in her journey she made a pact to just show up for herself each day instead of focusing solely on other people’s needs and ignoring her own. To make sure you take care of yourself and start accepting yourself for who you really are.
After a few days I really started to feel the difference. I felt like I was finally starting to actually like myself. Which is fucking huge for me because I’ve always had horrendously low self-esteem stemming from being cheated on by many partners, being ‘abandoned’ by friends and a horrific event in my childhood that I won’t go into just yet. My inner critic was the harshest bitch you could ever meet!!! I never had a kind word to say to myself. A big change that I made was becoming more conscious of these thoughts and saying to myself, you don’t have to keep thinking that and I would shift my focus onto something positive. This helped immensely and I found I felt a lot lighter, I was smiling a lot more and I felt a huge load of pressure had been taken off me.
I decided one day to do a road trip on my own to Lennox Head. Something I have never done before as I felt like a loser doing things by myself. I had the most amazing day. Sat at the top of the cliffs and meditated, read my book and found a cute little café for lunch. I realised at the end of the day I’d only had 2-3 negative thoughts pop in to my head and I’d managed to squash them quickly. It was the first day in such a long time where I actually thought, you know what, things are going to be ok. More than ok actually. I felt really excited about the possibilities that my life held, especially with this new found acceptance of myself.
So of course….things came crashing down big time. This ‘bottom’ that I thought I’d hit, was just the beginning of a downward spiral that would take me to the darkest places I’ve known.