A bump in the road of life

So.…..the running part of this journey is not going to end the way I expected. The way I wanted it to. The way I needed it to. My out spoken goal was to complete the half marathon in less time than 6 years ago when I last ran it, which was 1 hour and 53 minutes. My secret goal that I had set for myself, was to do it in under 1 hour and 45 minutes.

Up until around 2 months ago, everything was going perfectly. I was way ahead of schedule with the kilometers I needed to be running. My fitness was on point. I was running pain and discomfort free. I had it in the bag.

Or so I thought….

It started in my left knee. A little niggle every now and then. It would pull really tight and be so painful I’d have to stop for 30 seconds or so for the pain to ease. I was worried obviously that I had injured something in my knee. But then I really started to listen to my body. I took note of every tiny little thing I could feel in my body. I had noticed for a few weeks that I was pretty tight through my right hip but it was when I was at work or just sitting around so I hadn’t taken much notice of it. But as the weeks went by, the pain started to intensify as I was running. I realised the pain in my knee was because I was running off kilter to protect my hip where the real injury was.

I tried to ignore it. I buried my head in the sand. If I didn’t think about it, it wasn’t really happening right??? It got to a point where I just couldn’t run through the pain any more and went to see a Physio. The outcome after a few sessions was a possible stress tear in my medial glute. (One of my ass muscles for those that aren’t up to date on muscle names, and in very basic terms – it connects your hip bone to your leg bone)

Then I moved and had to change physio. Jump forward a few weeks and after finally being honest with her about the level of pain I was in (yes I again tried to hide it and not accept it), the diagnosis is indeed a stress tear in my glute and also a tear in a ligament in my pelvis. Both injuries require 6 weeks rest to heal.

This kind of does not fit in with my plan of running sub 1:45 in only 3 weeks time.

What now? Not starting the race is not an option. I set this goal for myself over 9 months ago and have busted my ass tirelessly to train for it and get myself prepared for it. I have spent every single day 100% motivated and committed to achieving my goal. It’s only been over the last few weeks that I’ve kind of lost my mojo for it all and this was due to the fact I knew this news was coming.

I’ve known for awhile now that the pain I’m feeling isn’t just normal aches and pains that come with long distance running. I knew it and I’ve been doing what I can to listen to my body and pull back when it gets too intense. Have more rest days when I know I need it. But I just didn’t want to accept it. I didn’t want to face reality.

The best I can aim for now is to finish. Which I’m not ok with. I’ve been putting on a brave face. Saying I’m totally ok with it and will still be proud to cross that line. It’s all bullshit. I’m not ok with just finishing. I’m not ok with sitting on a slower pace. I’m not ok with not going out there and giving it my all, leaving it all on the line to hit that goal.

And I know that everyone will say that I’ve still accomplished so much to get where I am. And that there’s millions out there that could never do a half marathon. But right now I don’t care. I worked so fucking hard on this and to have something come up that is out of my control stop me, it’s devastating.

To be honest I’m so fucking angry and disappointed I could cry. I want to yell and scream and completely lose my shit. Maybe throw a few plates. Punch the shit out of something.

But what’s the point? It wont change anything. Nothing and no one can change this outcome. The sad reality is, is that it comes with the territory of this type of training. Injuries happen. It fucking sucks, but they happen and there isn’t a dammed thing we can do about it.

My plan of attack now, is to sit with this disappointment. Not run from it. I have to sit with it and feel it in order to accept it and move on. I don’t like it one bit and every fibre of me is wanting to run from it. That’s what the old me would have done. And I guess this shows how much I’ve grown throughout this journey. I could easily block all of this and pretend it’s ok and suffer in silence, but all that would do is leave it sitting there for me to deal with later on.

I don’t know what’s going to happen come race day. I will be on that starting block come rain, hail or shine. But how fast I get to the finish and what state I’ll be in by the time I get there, who knows.

All I know for certain right now is that I’m not giving up. I’m pulling up on all pace training and will just being doing slow and steady runs to try and manage the pain and not make the injuries worse.

I have to trust in myself and the fact that I’ve done the hard work. I’m mentally and other than one spot on my body, physically ready. I have to focus on the skills I’ve learnt through this process. I have to look deeply at the fact that I went into this journey completely broken and I’ve pulled myself out and upwards. These are the real achievements. Crossing that line would just be the icing on the cake.

I need to accept that maybe I won’t get my icing, but I’ve got my cake already and it tastes amazing.

This is just another shitty bump in the path of my journey. But it’s highlighting how much I’ve grown and I’m coming to terms with that. I’m a perfect mixture of hating this lesson, and completely appreciating it. Which is a solid step forward from how I would have handled this only a few months ago.

And all I can say right now, is that I’m really proud of that fact and I know that the final acceptance of this will come with time.

Conquering my mountain

After 8 long and tortuous months of what felt like hell every day, I feel like I’ve finally gone through the worst of it. Finally reached the summit of the mountain I’ve been climbing on this journey.

I was broken as a human being. An empty shell. I was shattered to my core and I honestly spent a long time thinking rock bottom was where my life was going to be from that point onwards.

So many people told me it would get easier. That things would finally get better. But I didn’t believe them for a second. Things just always seemed to get worse. Every day was a battle in which I kept getting hit from every direction. It was relentless.

When everything you’ve ever wanted in life gets taken away from you, it destroys your soul. Your purpose for getting up each day and even managing the basic tasks in life seem too much and are overwhelming.

I truly felt that this feeling of hopeless and despair would never leave me.

But slowly and surely, it has. Step by step I’ve bought the light back into my life. I’ve built myself back up from the roots of my core to find a whole new person that has been hiding my entire life.

I’ve discovered me. The real me. Not the front that I’ve always put on. Not the image of who I thought I was expected to be. My masks are gone. My walls are down.

It wasn’t until I walked back into my new/old job a few weeks ago, that I realised just how much I have actually changed. I worked there about 18 months ago when the beginning of this downhill slide of my life started, and walking back in was pretty confronting.

I was terrified of slipping back into the same old patterns I had when I was there last. Of hiding who I was. Of having my defensive walls set firmly in place and not allowing many people to get close to me.

I’ve been walking around thinking how different everyone is this time. Everyone seems more open and friendly.

The harsh truth that I had to face. Was that no one there has changed. They’ve always been open and friendly. It was me that was different. I’ve changed.

I used to walk around with this massive defensive wall up. I was so full of shame and my confidence was so low, that I would walk around with my head down, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone. My life was falling apart so I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone. I didn’t want to share any of the shitty things I was going through. I was hurting inside. I was breaking. I was fucking angry to be honest.

I’m ashamed to think of the person I used to be. Work colleagues would try to interact with me and I’d give nothing in return. They probably had the impression I was a grumpy bitch. And I guess I kinda was back then. I’ve been trying to not think about how I was back then as it’s embarrassing. But I know there will come a time when I have to own it and accept it for what it was. A coping mechanism.

It was all I could do to get through each day. I was fighting an internal battle that I was loosing control of. I could barely function enough to get through the basics. So when it came to trying to build new relationships in a work environment that I was new to, it was just too much.

I walk into work now and I love it. The work is still the same, but I’m getting to know some amazing people who were always there. I just wouldn’t let them in. It feels like a brand new job. Brand new people. But in reality nothing has changed a bit. Except me.

I’m finding this in so many aspects of my life these days. Because I carry myself differently, I actually walk around with my head up instead of pretending to be looking at something interesting on the ground; I’m finding that I have so many different experiences. I actually interact with people. I don’t hide from small talk. I don’t run away from new experiences.

When I stand back and look at this mountain I’ve climbed, I can’t be anything but proud. I’ve gone from despair and hopelessness, to now feeling nothing but hope and excitement for what the future holds. I feel like I have the strength to stare life in the eyes and say “What’s next bitch?” Because I know that whatever is thrown at me from now on, I can face it head on and tackle it with confidence.

I’ve been through the worst and finally hit the summit of the mountain, and now I get to reap the rewards and experience the absolute joys in life. I now get to see it from a fresh pair of eyes and thrive in this brand new world that I have built from the ground up. Just like climbing an actual mountain, the views up here are endless and the path I take from here is mine to choose.

How the truth can set you free

So I was clearly struggling last week. I had my sad pants on big time and I was in a serious rut. I was feeling so low and wishing things in the past were different and wishing I could go back in time. Feeling so sorry for myself and hating my life.

I had some mixed emotions coming up that were confusing me. I was blaming myself for things that had gone wrong. I had serious self-doubt over a gut feeling I had for the last few years and was thinking maybe I got it all wrong. And I was kicking myself for opening up and being honest and vulnerable.

Today changed it all. Today made me realise that the sick feeling in my stomach about what was really going on, was actually the truth. And the fact I’d been made to feel stupid for questioning these feelings makes it even worse. Today she finally admitted it all.

Deep down in my gut I knew for the last few years what was really going on. But I didn’t trust that feeling enough, nor did I want to believe it. I was getting to the point over the last week where I was actually starting to question my sanity. Thinking that I had imagined it all. That I had somehow been disillusioned this whole time and because of this I had messed up big time.

Then the truth came out. The admission that what I had suspected the whole time, was completely and utterly true. Hearing the revelation blew me away and shocked me to my core. It hurt so much that someone could be so heartless and selfish and fucking cruel!

Reality then started setting in. I was right. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t delusional. My gut feeling was right all along. I felt an enormous weight start to lift from my shoulders. It’s hard to explain but I finally felt free. I felt liberated from the confession and the realization that I could now let go and move on.

I didn’t realise that that was what had been holding me back. I guess the stubborn side of me wanted to know that I was right. The self conscious side of me needed to know that I wasn’t going crazy. And the heartbroken side of me needed to see the complete truth to allow me to let go and move forward.

I guess I hadn’t pushed too hard to hear the truth as I was terrified of actually hearing those words. But in actual fact, it was the one thing I’ve needed and it has changed my outlook on my entire journey.

Never before have I been taught such a valuable lesson – follow your gut! No matter what. The uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. The hesitation. The feeling of needing to run. The tingling in my hands. The tightness in my throat. These are all things I feel when I’m in a situation where something is wrong and my body is throwing physical signs at me to stop and listen. To stand up and take notice.

It’s frustrating because I know I have always taken notice of these signs at work. Being in law enforcement you get these gut feelings when something isn’t right. And when I feel them in that situation, I’m like a dog with a bone. I don’t let up until I figure out what is going on. What the person is hiding or lying about.

But in my personal life I’ve been pretty sub par at listening to these signs. Utterly useless at it actually. I guess because when it’s happening in a personal situation, you don’t want to believe it. You don’t want to know that your trust is being broken. Or that someone you care about doesn’t have your best interest at heart.

So you ignore the signs and hope for the best.

Well not anymore. Seeing myself get to a point where I was actually questioning my sanity over a gut feeling that I had ignored for years, is pretty fucking extreme. But that’s the point I was pushed to after being told for years that I was crazy for having these thoughts. Being assured time and time again that what I was thinking, was wrong.

I can see so clearly now that if I had of had the confidence and strength to voice my opinion more forcibly when the signs first starting appearing; then it would have saved a world of heartbreak and pain. I definitely spoke up about it and raised my concerns. But was either assured I was being silly, or told dismissably that I was crazy and wrong. So I kept my mouth shut and tried in vain to believe the lies. The half truths. The avoidance. The changing of subjects quickly.

I know I am stronger now. And more confident. And I’m taking this as the most in your face lesson I could ever be taught. I’m tuning in to these feelings from now on and won’t ever make that mistake again.

It’s hard to not feel bitter about it. Knowing how different my life would be right now if I had of listened all those years ago. But I’m focusing purely on the fact that now I know what these signs mean and I will always remember the feeling of self-doubt that used to surround them. I’m viewing this as a positive thing to happen. That I finally heard the truth and can now move forward with the confidence in knowing I was right and the strength to continue this journey with more focus and determination.

I’m focussed on the fact that now I’m finally free from the lies. The truth well and truly, has set me free.

Timeless healing

They say time heals all wounds. Well you know what, I’m getting a little bit impatient waiting for this to happen. Actually a lot impatient. To be honest I’m sick to death of waiting.

I’ve had a week of virtually no sleep and everything is getting on top of me. I’m even hitting a point where I’m losing motivation for my running which is massive. I’ve spent the last 9 months with an unwavering motivation to run and train and smash this half marathon goal. I’m 5 weeks away from the race and I’m quickly losing all focus and determination. My body isn’t recovering and healing like it should be, because I’m not sleeping.

One of the more important aspects of training is getting enough rest to give your body time to recover and this isn’t happening so my body is in constant agony. I’m sore from head to toe. My eyes feel like they have needles in them. My brain has a fog over it and I’m not thinking clearly. I even put toothpaste on my daughter’s chest instead of Vick’s vapour rub a few days ago.

All because I’m laying here wide awake with thoughts of when will this all be over? When will the pain go away? When will I heal? When will a day pass where I don’t think about the what if’s? When will I stop feeling so lonely? When will the grief go away? When will I be able to look at my daughter and not feel guilty that she will grow up never remembering her parents together? When will I stop feeling like I was never good enough? When will I stop analysing everything tiny little thing I said and did and wondering how I could have done it differently? When? When? WHEN!?!?!?!?

I feel like I’ve stepped up big time during this journey. I’ve seen a therapist. I’ve followed her recommendations. I’ve done the hard work and walked into the pain rather than walking away and pretending I’m fine. I never stop processing my thoughts and feelings and doing the work to heal them. I’ve done the hard yards and faced everything that I’ve bottled up my whole life. I’ve opened up and been completely vulnerable.

Yet still I’m here feeling like shit. I’m still hurting. I’m still grieving. And I’m fucking over it.

I’ve hit a point where I’m just thinking fuck it why don’t I just go back to pushing my emotions down. Pretending that everything is fine. Pretending I’m ok and that losing my little family isn’t a big deal. Pretending I’ve moved on and I’m happy. Bury my head in the sand and not deal with any feelings or emotions that come up?

It would be so much easier. I could “heal” myself in an instant if I just pretend I don’t care and that it doesn’t affect me.

I’m sick of feeling so deeply. I’m sick of caring so much. I’m sick of the roller coaster. I’m sick of the heartbreak. I’m sick of the battle.

I’m totally and utterly done. I’ve given it my all. I’ve thrown myself into this journey with reckless abandon to finally face my demons and heal properly.

But I’m exhausted.

I’ve got nothing left to give.

I’m completely and irrecoverably done.

Time is taking too long.

I think I’ve been waiting for that aha moment where you all of a sudden you feel human again. Where everything finally clicks into place and all the hard work pays off. Maybe there is no such moment after so much heart ache in such a short space of time. Maybe little by little wounds heal and it gets easier. Maybe the pain never goes away.

I don’t know anymore. All I know right now in this moment is that I’ve literally got nothing left to give.

My journey has broken me.

Self pity rant

I’ve worked tirelessly to not feel self pity through this journey and to also find ways to express myself other than anger. I had a really bad habit of bottling things up so strongly that when the bottle finally cracked everything came out forcefully and I would react with anger.

But right now I’m fucking angry. And I’m full of self pity. And I can’t keep quiet any longer.

When did it become an acceptable practice to blatantly ignore people you’re meant to care about? When did it become ok to use people and then treat them like trash when you no longer see a need for them? When did people decide that when someone goes the extra mile for them to help out, it’s no longer necessary to even say a basic thank you?

It’s fucking rude and disrespectful and I’m done with it all.

Even during my darkest moments not once have I ever ignored anyone in my life. Wether it’s a random question they ask me or if they are reaching out for help or advice. I don’t ever go without replying. And sometimes all I can manage is a “I’m sorry I’m having a terrible day can we chat tomorrow?” But at least I reply. I make the effort to not make them feel unwanted and uncared for.

Yet somehow there is numerous people in my life that vow they care for me and are there for me no matter what, yet choose to ignore me. To blatantly not reply to text messages or calls.

And I’m not talking about being ignored because you’ve had an argument with someone and they just need space. These are “friends” and also someone who said she wanted to be in a relationship with me.

Out of the blue with no prior arguments. Ghosted. Completely ignored. No explanation. No apologies. Just completely pushed out of their lives. Or at the absolute most, one worded responses or messages that leave no doubt they are being blunt and to the point and show that they have no time for me and I’m inconveniencing them by just saying “hey how are you going?”

These are people that know what I’ve been through. That I’ve opened up to and been vulnerable with in telling them my biggest fear is being abandoned. And for whatever reason, they choose to do the same and hurt me all over again. Choose to put me in another position where I question everything I did and blame myself.

It used to be basic manners and basic human decency to treat people as they treat you. Now it seems the norm that if you go out of your way for someone and choose to be kind and helpful, the person you did that for then seems to feel they have the right to walk all over you. To look down on you and treat you as sub par to them.

I was just going to write that maybe I expect too much of people. But screw that. I’m not asking for anything other than basic manners. Basic respect. Basic communication. And I’m only expecting to be treated how I treat them. That’s not asking too much. And it shouldn’t even be an issue. I shouldn’t have to ask. These are people that have said they care about me. That I thought played an important part in my life.

People that know me, know that I’m loyal beyond reproach. If I care about someone I’d literally walk through fire for them. Yeah a bit extreme but that’s just me. But on a basic level when someone reaches out to me for help or advice, if possible I drop everything and do what I can to help. And if I can’t help I’ll be upfront and tell them I can’t help right now but am available at a different time. And then I always make the effort to check in with them and see how they are going. If someone I care about is going through a difficult time I’ll jump up to help in any way I can without being asked. Going over and above to make their lives even just a little easier in their time of need.

Is it too much to expect even just basic support in return? I’m not asking them to drop everything for me. Just to reply to a bloody text message when I reach out. Surely that’s not so fucking difficult to do for someone when they have been there tirelessly for you?

I’m absolutely done with it. I’ve tried to not let this whole process harden me or make me bitter. I’ve tried to be patient and understanding. But enough is enough. I’m sick of making such a huge effort to only be ignored and treated like crap. I’m sick of getting kicked while I’m down over and over. I’ve tried to work through it and keep it bottled but no more.

When someone can’t even say a simple thank you when you go out of your way to do something for them. Or can’t even make the effort to respond to a text. Then I’m done.

I’m no longer going to be the one making all the effort. I’m no longer going to chase people that make no effort for me. If those that haven’t made the effort or have ignored me, decide they want me in their lives; they can chase me. They can make the effort. They can step up and prove it. I’m done!!!

Self pity rant finished!

Onwards and upwards. Out with the people that don’t make the effort for me.

(This vow of not making an effort only applies to those that haven’t been doing the same for me. Or have ignored me. Or treated me like an object to use as they please. I’m obviously still going to be me and make the effort for those in my life that do the same and that have been here for me. I’m just realising I need to be even more careful when choosing who to trust and who to go out of my way for. And for those that have been there for me, I thank you again and I appreciate so much the effort you make xoxo).

My vulnerability is no longer my weakness.

Brene Brown is my new hero!! Her talks and books on vulnerability are brilliant. She is hilarious, blunt and at times it feels like she is reading my mind. Everything she said resonated with me so deeply.

There is a passage in one of her books where she talks about when she was on stage and asked the crowd, “How many people struggle with vulnerability because they see it as a weakness?” Of course most of the crowd raised their hands.

Then she asks “When you see people on stage how many people thought they were being courageous?” Again the crowd raises their hands.

I don’t know about you but standing in front of a crowd would have to be one of the most vulnerable positions you could put yourself in. I’m pretty sure 99% of society would all say the same. And we all see that as being so courageous, yet still see vulnerability as a weakness.

It blows my mind!!

How is it that we can admire these people for their bravery in leaving themselves completely vulnerable, yet when someone opens up about mental health struggles, or opens up about having feelings for someone or wears their heart on their sleeves and shows emotions; people look at them as if they are weak.

In all of these examples, people leave themselves completely vulnerable. Open to rejection and criticism. Yet one side is admired and the other side is judged so harshly.

I’ve felt both sides during my journey and after hearing that example from Brene, it’s made me realise that all this vulnerability I’m showing is not a weakness at all. I see it now as pure bravery and strength.

On one side I’ve received so many messages of support and admiration, not only by friends and family, but total strangers. I have been told how brave and courageous and strong I am to be able to open up and be so raw and honest with my struggles and trauma.

And I’ve also seen the other side where I’ve showed emotion and cried in front of people, and they’ve seen it as a sign of weakness. Criticised me for not being strong enough to hold on and cry when no one is around.

This makes no sense to me. How is it that I’m brave for writing about crying, yet when people see me cry, I’m viewed as weak??

Another quote from her book “Only when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness, will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

This resonates big time with me. The last 6 months of my journey has completely revolved around exploring my darkness. I’ve dug deep and gone to places I didn’t want to. The deepest darkest places I could find.

And while discovering this darkness, it really has illuminated the power of the light within me. As I’ve healed my darkness and allowed the light to shine through, it’s opened my eyes to a whole new world out there. A whole new me that I didn’t know was inside of me.

See I’ve always put myself into a category that made me feel weak and powerless. I’m one of “those” ones. The reserved, the emotional, the thinkers. One of those ones that always gets called depressed. That always gets called rude. That’s looked down upon because we get nervous in social situations.

As I empowered the light within me, I started realising that all of these traits I have, are not weaknesses. They are my strengths.

It’s a strength to be reserved. It allows me to sit back and analyse situations before jumping in head first. It allows me to watch people and their behaviours so I can determine who I feel comfortable socialising with.

It’s a strength to be in touch with my emotions. Now that I have learnt to handle the stronger emotions I feel, it gives me a sense of strength to ride these feelings and embrace them. Yes I still cry. Yes I still get upset. However I no longer allow them to completely take hold of me. And I love that I feel emotions so strongly. I’d rather love incredibly deeply than not at all.

It’s a strength to be a thinker. Now that I have found ways to stop myself over-thinking situations, I actually really enjoy my deep thoughts that I have. Especially when I’m running. I explore deep within my consciousness and discover things I never knew about myself. I analyse things I’ve heard or read and discover how I feel about them. It’s fun and exciting now rather than tiring and draining when I was over-thinking situations and conversations I’d been in.

I’m not actually depressed and I’m not actually rude. (Ok yes I can be incredibly rude sometimes when people deserve it) however I’m social situations I’m not being rude by not talking much. I get incredibly nervous in crowds and especially around people I haven’t met before. But this doesn’t make me rude. And yes I have previously suffered from depression however in the words of my Psychologist;

“You’re not currently depressed. You’ve suffered many losses in a short amount of time and you’re grieving. But you’re seeking help and making changes. You’re motivated with running and setting new goals each week. When you’re in a stage of depression you don’t take these steps.”

Just because I’m in introvert, doesn’t mean I’m depressed. Just because I don’t feel comfortable in social situations, doesn’t mean I’m depressed.

Looking back on my life I realise I’ve always been so ashamed for being “different.” I’ve spent countless years wishing I could be extroverted because I thought that was normal. Hoping that I can wake up and suddenly feel powerful in crowds, to get a rush from meeting new people and to feel on a high after being in social situations. I’ve always believed these people are stronger than me. Braver than me. Better than me.

But now that I’ve released this light inside of me, I realise that they aren’t stronger or braver or better than me. They are just different to me and that’s ok.

I now love the qualities that I have. In my previous blogs I’ve discussed this and stated I now accept who I am. Which was a huge step. Now I feel like I’m starting to embrace my qualities. Starting to love them and be excited by them.

I’m seeing my own vulnerabilities as strengths rather than weaknesses and it’s a powerful feeling.

Having the ability to be vulnerable is risky, scary and fucking hard. But it really is the only way to achieve anything and to move forward in life. It’s such a courageous thing to do and the feeling of empowerment you receive during the process is like having the brightest light shining from within you.

It’s a beautiful and brave thing to experience and I wouldn’t give that up for anything.

The sadness behind her smile

To be blunt and to the point, I’m having a shitty night.

I’ve been thinking about all the changes I’ve made over the last year. The endless effort and courage that has gone into making these changes.

The tears and the heartache it took to recognise and accept where I’ve been lacking in my life. Confronting myself with the things I’ve done wrong and the people I’ve hurt and taking ownership of my mistakes.

Walking into therapy each week and smashing through more walls and looking deep inside at the darkest parts of me. The countless hours spent reevaluating my life and where I stand. Facing my biggest fears and having the courage to take another step forward.

I’ve done all this and so much more. And I’m so proud of what I have achieved. I’m so proud of the person that I see in the mirror now. I’m the person I always knew I could be. The person I always dreamed of being.

But as I sit here tonight, all I can think is “What was the point of doing all of this?”

I’m still alone. I’m moving to Brisbane by myself. I picked up my keys to my new apartment today and the smile it gave me faded so quickly as I walked out and realised I had no one to share this joy with. I had no one to text. No one to call. No partner that was eagerly awaiting to hear from me.

And I can sit here and think rationally and know that all the work I’ve done is so worth it. And I can state that I am proud. And I know I’ll probably wake up tomorrow and be good again and be excited about the move and excited about the progress I’ve made. And I do know what the point of it all was.

But there’s that little voice nagging at me that just keeps repeating “What was the point of all of this when you still end up alone?” And it just won’t shut up tonight.

It’s making me so sad and frustrated and hurt. It’s making me question everything. It’s making me wish so badly to have my old life back. My life wasn’t meant to be like this. I don’t want my life to be like this.

I’m sad that today should have been exciting. But I’ve been wearing a fake smile all day. Pretending everything is ok. Putting on a brave face to hide the tears in my heart. Wearing that mask to hide the sadness that’s in my eyes.

Hiding from the sadness that’s behind my smile….